Tuesday, August 19, 2003
So here's to another fragile phantasm conjured up in the hours where passions wax and the hours pass in moments reflecting infinite permutations of thought.
That said, I already know that I'm grasping at a void. Hoping to create something out of that which, by definition, is nothing. Though truly "nothing" is a word that cannot be defined. Or is best left unencountered. Shake it off, Johnny/Nigel/Lenny/Ian or whatever novelty you're hiding behind these days.
Write this off. Please. Remember that everything on here is only a fraction of the visible part of me. An uneven distribution of my various whims.
Man. Am I a freak because I can make jokes about the Ark of the Covenant (joke not included in this entry)? While popular opinion may say "Yes", I'm gonna have to go with "No".......mostly to be a dick, but also because I truly believe that there are people out there who are, like myself, open to a full spectrum of humour, be it Biblical or black. Or whatever else gets mixed up in the glass and the goo.....
I should write a book entitled "1001 Recipes for Disaster: A Self-Guide to Self-Destruction" (by Nigel A. Chrome). I think it would be a best-seller, and the irony alone would be enough to, in true deus ex machina fashion, summon the hellions of Fate and strike me down.
Goal for tomorrow: "Fly from the path." (It's an oldie but a goodie, and I've gotta learn it or this whole damn lie of a life has been worthless. So cheer me on, if you would.)
Seeya on the flipside.
Nigel claimed defeat at 4:30 AM | archive
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Sometimes I'm moody. It's an unfortunate fact of my existence. But at least I can make a wicked analogy between "Tetris" and my own life.....stupid brain kicking in too late. I should have done something, quite possibly anything, differently. "But wishing won't make it so....."
I'm definitely Black Mage. He's so cool. I wish I had an online quiz that would pronounce, officially, such a correspondence.
Here's a quote from Black Mage himself, so that you can understand my correlation: "I'd say I didn't WANT to say I told you so, but I'm VERY petty and enjoy being proven right even, it would seem, when it means my own death." Not that it's particularly applicable, but I'm sure I've said/contemplated saying something rather similar at some point in time. Or whatever. "Stabbity death time!" Yeah. Black Mage definitely hates the world.....
But point of goodness: Ryumyo has incarnated in blade form and is ready to wreak some motherfucking HAVOC! And also candlelight gaming is fucking P-I-M-P! (And you can quote me on that, if you're as much of a nerd as I am. Yay horsies!)
My guess is that this post doesn't make any sense (which, if I may say so myself, is HIGHLY unorthodox (insert sarcasm)) but honestly, telling the whole story is just a waste of my time and energy. So out with the bad energy and in with the good.
My love to Fate.....you're a cruel mistress, but dear to me, and I respectfully accept whatever paths you lay as mine. Thanks and blessings upon you.
Goodnight and godspeed to all those who understand the nature of regret.....or whatever the fuck it is that I'm feeling. You're in my heart if you don't already know.......peace.
Nigel claimed defeat at 3:30 AM | archive
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
I take it all back. It is in fact ME who is the charmingly inept fop. Or perhaps it's a team effort. At any rate, good things going badly turn into happy endings. Or whatever it is that I mean, I mean.
"The real horror of cliches is that so many of them are, indeed, true."
Man alive, what changes can be achieved in mere moments. You're all so very very beautiful, and I thank you for your patience. Goodnight.
Nigel claimed defeat at 3:06 AM | archive
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
I think that was the most exhausting writing session I've ever had. That was at least four hours of intensive, creative output. I tell you what, Comedy Central: if you're smart you'll offer us a contract now, before we get famous and snub you publicly. Hah. Happy trails to y'all......
Nigel claimed defeat at 6:14 AM | archive
Two days of melancholy abruptly and pleasantly slaughtered by a night playing cards with the guys. I made fitty-five cent and we made up a new game, the tremendously popular Blankenstein (official property of Ian Howard, Ned Petrie, Matt Bakaric, Dave Johnson, and Tom Blank--don't try to steal it!). Suddenly all this "small-town bullshit" that's been fucking with my head dropped out, and while it would have been nice to make my phone calls, it seems like I made the right decision this time. Yay.
Oh, and here's another quiz.....don't ask me why I always take girly quizzes, but.....well, they're fun. Okay here goes:
You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Nigel claimed defeat at 2:10 AM | archive
Monday, August 04, 2003
Whatever. It is only when one has lost all hope that options truly become available. Instinct is often more accurate than optimism. And whatever else I'll say to placate myself now that I've once again proved myself not only a failure, but a liar as well. Maybe not a failure; I don't know anymore. But the winds of change are fickle, and blow colder as summer dies and becomes fall, a fall without any discernible ending......only the circling of years broken by moments of transcendence. Dammit. There's nothing the matter and yet something is definitely not right. I guess it's because I haven't killed the old habits yet, the ones far more addicting than any physical vice and far more dangerous too. And Johnny's in my head, speaking my words, owning the sorrow I claimed as my birthright and my profession when I didn't understand the concept of consequence. Not that I do now. In any event it doesn't matter, his voice or my voice or your voice or any kind of Voice (Here's a thought: Silence is rigid. It is frozen in its form. Nothing can be built from silence, only conjured.) speaking words that should never exist, should die within the ribcage and be reformed as monuments to nobler courses of action. I'd love to be that smart, that controlled. Unfortunately I'm unbridled, untameable. Heh. Who knows? It's early and I'm tired.
I'm going to sleep. I hope the world has fixed itself by the time I wake up. Cuz honestly, this time around it's gonna be impersonal. Those who've seen it, know. I'll take Fate on and kick its ass, if I have to. Just don't ask me to talk.
(For those who worry, I'm okay. Thanx for your concern. There's friction between me and the future, but I'm not worried. I promised I wouldn't care. So you guys can keep my promise for me........)
Nigel claimed defeat at 1:21 AM | archive
Thursday, July 31, 2003
32 dollars. No more school till winter at the earliest. And a joyful (don't quote me on that) Friday to come. Oh, and my creative impulses returned (props to Matt from Monroeville on that one!). Suffice it to say, the week from hell is ending. Yay for excitement!
Nigel claimed defeat at 11:56 PM | archive
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
What goes up must comes down. I know this. And yet I seem to forget.
What the hell is with this invisible wall? I feel like my creative impulses have all been surgically removed. I've completely planned this week to work out despite the incredible amount of energy and work it will require, but I have a way of being COMPLETELY FUCKING UNRELIABLE. Even to myself. I'm trying though.
Can't rely on yourself, can't rely on anyone else. It learned that one. Smart smart child, it was.
The little stuff is really bothering me lately. And I'm more impatient.
I'm gonna go. Thanx for reading, though.
Nigel claimed defeat at 1:43 AM | archive
